Hidden Valley Labneh

Once, I made a "Veggie Pizza," from a recipe found (and mocked) on the blog of a young Objectivist named Amber Pawlik. It sounded like the grossest thing I'd ever heard of. it soon became the grossest thing I'd ever eaten. And I've had canned whole chicken. Ms. Pawlik's original site is gone, but she had some other winners on there, too; mostly of the tater-totted, man-pleasing persuasion.

The deep-dishaster started with a Pillsbury crescent roll crust, and a "sauce" that whipped a packet of Hidden Valley Ranch powder into two bricks of warm cream cheese and a cup of Miracle Whip. It was topped off with with a pile of raw, chopped cauliflower, carrot and broccoli, and dusted with shredded cheddar. It didn't disappoint in its capacity to disappoint. Over ten years later, and I can still taste the sweet, greasy tang.

The point of my story--Hidden Valley Ranch powder can make ALMOST everything USAwesome. But not Miracle Whipizza.

Let's make some labneh, y'all!

This recipe is almost as easy as opening up a can of whole chicken and ringing the dinner bell, but it's not nearly as quick--it takes a couple days to drain off the whey.


1 package of Hidden Valley Ranch powder

1 container of Greek yogurt, 28 oz

1/2 cup olive oil




a large bowl

a plate

rubber band

room in the fridge


Mix yogurt and HVR powder together, making sure to break up any powder lumps. Put colander into bowl. Cover with two layers of cheesecloth. Spoon yogurt mix into the center. Pull corners of cheesecloth together and tie with a rubber band, making it into a bag. Cover whole shebang with a plate and put in fridge. Once every twelve hours, gently masage the bag (or poke at it with a wooden spoon so you don't get Ranch Hands). This will aid in releasing the whey in the center of the bag. While you're in there, pour out and dispose of the whey that collects in the bowl. Or use it in a bloody mary smoothie.

After two to three days, depending on the brand  used, the yogurt should have a cream-cheese consistency. Roll cheese into 1 inch balls. Cover the balls in olive oil and serve with crusty bread, cucumbers, ect. Got 'er did!